Said steam, steam, a hundred bad dreams.


Welcome to the blog. You’re probably here because you know me personally–in that case, you probably know at least something about my struggle with major depressive disorder and PTSD. In case you don’t (or have forgotten), here’s a refresher course.

  • I’m 24 years old, married, no kids (unless you count cats).
  • You can call me J.
  • I had a pretty brutal childhood and adolescence, but we’ll get into that later, when we know each other a little better.
  • My symptoms of major depressive disorder (MDD) started to surface when I was about nine, ten years old. I had what was probably my first episode when I was about twelve or thirteen, and it seemed to drag on forever–I didn’t start to come out of it until I was almost seventeen years old. However, it’s possible that this episode was actually a bunch of mini-episodes clustered together instead of one long episode. The world may never know!
  • From ages 17 to 19, I was involved in an abusive relationship. More on that later.
  • I started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist at age 18 and have bounced from doctor to doctor. The lack of consistent treatment isn’t for lack of interest–it’s a financial issue primarily, though it’s been difficult to find a good fit. My current therapist is pretty awesome, but I haven’t been able to see her recently (again, finances). Hopefully, I’ll be able to get back into treatment soon.
  • My last major depressive episode (before this one) started around February 2012 and stretched all the way into November 2012. It peaked in the summer of 2012. I’ll get into the gory details of all that, you guessed it, later on.
  • I had a period of relief from November 2012 to early February 2013. This was due mostly to the fact that I was being adequately treated for the first time in my life, but because of some really unpleasant sexual side effects, my doctor and I decided to drop my dosage from 60 mg to 20. I think the drop may have been too drastic, as I’m starting to slide into the depths of another episode.

The purpose of this blog is to educate people about what it’s really like to live with MDD and PTSD. (Hint: it’s pretty awful!) I didn’t pay much attention to my symptoms during the last episode and didn’t even realize I was having an episode until I got to about May 2012 and realized that my first thoughts upon waking every morning were about my own death.

This time, I want to chronicle what’s going on emotionally and how my physical health issues (endometriosis and hypothyroidism) might feed into the mental illnesses. My current therapist is really into the mind-body connection and though I didn’t buy it at first, I can absolutely see how they’re connected now.

This blog will probably have a fair amount of strong language. I’m keeping it raw, mostly to represent my thoughts and feelings as truthfully as possible, but also because I honestly don’t have enough energy to properly censor myself.

Also, I’m not obligated to sugar-coat things or make my illness pretty for other people. Caveat lector!

But don’t let it scare you away. I’m very much willing to answer any questions or explain things differently if my point doesn’t make sense the first time around.


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