Learning to create rather than destroy.

ptsd, self-harm, stigma, suicidal ideation, Uncategorized

I cut for the first time in early January of this year. It happened almost as an accident, and I immediately told on myself (to my husband), vowing never to do it again. Three months later, I’ve done it countless times despite promises to myself and D. that I wouldn’t.

The last time I hurt myself was Tuesday night, two days ago. I want that to be the last time forever and when I was trying to think of alternatives, I looked at the tattoo on my wrist (done shortly after the New Year as a promise that when I die, it’s not going to be by my own hand, and an acknowledgment of my struggle with suicidal thoughts and depression). The answer was so simple…I’d been thinking about eventually getting a large thigh piece in a few years as an apology to myself and my body for the hell I’ve put it through, not just through cutting but through other self-medicating, self-destructive habits.

I can’t, for the life of me, remember what triggered me earlier, but I do know that instead of cutting, I decided to draw a big, colorful design on my thigh, which is where I always self-injure. It actually worked–the urge went away and now I have something cheerful to look at when I get low. When it washes away, I’ll create a new one. I swear I’ll keep doing it until I conquer the urge to hurt myself when I feel sad, lonely, frightened, ashamed, or angry fades away for the last time.

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2 thoughts on “Learning to create rather than destroy.

  1. That is amazing, both because you resisted the urge and did something creative with the energy instead. I have problems with cutting as well, I tend to butcher myself about once every 3 years. The last time I did I cut (a month or so ago) both my arms, top and bottom, my stomach, and my legs. One on the top left of my arm was BAD. Needed stitches bad (didn’t get them, just used my super awesome nurse powers). Next time I get the urge I’m going to think of you. After all, can’t keep sporting these damn long sleeve shirts. 🙂

    1. I’ve managed to confine it to my thighs because it’s much easier to hide and doesn’t hurt quite as much (I learned the other day that the wrist is excruciating). The worst episode happened right after the Walgreens health assessment…I was feeling really horrible about my body because the evaluation included a body composition test, and I got significantly day-drunk at 10 AM. My right thigh was a complete mess from my hip halfway down to my knee…literally no skin was untouched and because of the alcohol, it bled like a mad bastard. :/ That was kind of “rock bottom” for me, but of course I continued to do it after that because it’s really difficult to stop! Draw aaaaaall over yourself the next time you get the urge. The pen/marker kind of scratches so it satisfies the need for physical sensation, but it’s not destructive the way cutting is. ❤

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