Adult Separation Anxiety.

major depression, memories, ptsd

P. left on Thursday evening for his three-week vacation to Australia and New Zealand (yay!). I’m excited that he gets to go on this adventure, and am eagerly awaiting his return.

However, for someone like me, prolonged absences can have some very real, very serious side effects. I’ve dealt with separation anxiety all my life; it started when I was a young child, maybe three or four years old, and would wake up alone in a fully-lit house around midnight to find the home empty–my mother would leave me by myself to go out drinking at a bar a few blocks away.

One of my earliest memories is of trying to find the bar in the phone book, only to realize I had no idea how to reach or dial the phone. Instead, I left the house and walked about halfway down our block in my pajamas, the street completely dark except for the streetlights. I felt the loneliest I ever have in my life as I stood at the top of the hill, looking down at all the darkened houses and feeling the wind at the back of my thin flannel nightgown.

There were more instances, of course. And  I, now 27, realize that my significant other is not going to just abandon me. But those deep-seated emotions and reactions from when I was a small, vulnerable child have lingered, and I’m struggling to bring them down to a more appropriate, more manageable size.

I spent the last two days home sick with the migraine from hell, then worked my half day this morning. I visited a friend for about an hour after that, then came home and got more sleep. I reminded myself to eat when I woke up around 6:00 PM, because I had put zero food in my body since Thursday afternoon, when I had lunch with P.

Right now, I’m feeling calmer (thanks to excessive sleep and the wonders of lorazepam) and am trying to devise small tasks for myself to make the long, lonesome gaps between work more bearable for the next nineteen days. I have only a few more boxes left to move into P’s apartment, though that means I’m without a piano for the remainder of his trip, which is less than ideal because that’s usually a major outlet for me.

I can also work on looking for counseling programs in Baltimore, where (spoiler alert!) we’ll be moving in a few months as P. starts a nine-month-long program at Johns Hopkins. I’ll still be starting some online courses in May, but will need to find a traditional school that will take my credits. It’s a big change, but given everything that’s going on in Maryland (and how rough the state of MHC is), I feel like I could potentially do a lot of good things there.

That’s where I am right now, readers. If you’ve ever been through separation anxiety, please reach out to me, especially if you have some tips. Let’s help each other through this–I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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