Animals are such a comfort.

endometriosis, self-harm

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I’m having a rough day again and was pretty close to tears when this sassy ginger boy wandered into the room and bumped his head against my leg and howled.

Cats have the reputation of being aloof, but I’ve never had an Ugly Cry that wasn’t accompanied by at least one cat snuggling up next to me and purring, though it’s possible this is motivated by their enjoyment of my pain rather than a desire to comfort me.

Today is especially bad for the following reasons:

  1. An endo flare-up was triggered on Sunday afternoon when I dared to wear jeans for a few hoursĀ 
  2. Said flare-up meant I only got four hours of sleep last night and spent most of the early morning tossing and turning in an effort to find a sleeping position that didn’t hurt (hint: it doesn’t exist)
  3. My prescriptions cost us close to $50.00 (birth control was free, but liothyronine was $9.00 and Cymbalta was $40.00), which we can’t really afford right now;
  4. Thus, I’m feeling like a burden and generally more trouble than I’m worth and I’m concerned that the endo pain is never going to get better.

At the moment, I’m fighting off the urge to carve up my thighs like a goddamn Thanksgiving turkey again. At this point, I think some form of chemical relief is in order. This could take the form of a really stiff drink (even though it’s only 11 AM), though I’ll probably opt for an Ambien and a cat nap with cats instead. I dislike self-medicating, but there are times when it becomes a necessary evil because the alternative is even more hideous and harmful.

This most recent bout of misery is made worse by the fact that it’s a beautiful sunny day–this type of weather always seems to make the depression more severe. At least D. gets home at 3:30; it’s harder when he works the night shift because dusk has always been the most vulnerable time of day for me.

Motivators: Eggplant lasagna, the fuzzy cat sleeping on the bed, maybe taking a walk later on, the trippy coloring books I purchased on the way home (because what’s another $12 when my health issues just cost us $50?).

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